living in limbo

A fair few months ago I wrote 'lucky in love' - a proclamation of what I felt, embraced and experienced in those moments, or I guess you could say in that period of my life. 

But like life, things change, things move, and so too do feelings and experiences. Needless to say I am no longer 'lucky in love'. Perhaps some would call me unlucky... 

At the moment, life is but a limbo. A constant questioning of what do I actually want? What do I actually want to do? And above all, who do I want to be? And I think that within itself is worth acknowledging. Despite going through periods of your life when you feel like you've got shit down pact, you can quite as quickly wake up feeling the complete opposite. Who said happiness was ever after anyways? 

I won't say my transformation was overnight. It's been a lovely three month process, accompanied by the joys of a broken heart, tear-stained pillows, seeking validation from the emotionally unavailable, and better yet, facing the fact that I may be emotionally unavailable myself. I've gone from grappling to the straws of what I know and find comfort in, to questioning whether I even want to drink from those straws in the first place. Niche reference but stay with me now. 

Heartbreak was not anything like I expected it. Without delving too much into it, of course the pain was... well painful. But I don't think I expected to learn so much about myself. To truly feel like I was exiting a fog or haze, taking off those good ol' rose coloured glasses and being confronted not only with a past I had previously viewed differently, but staring at the girl in the mirror and not being able to place her. 

People change you and influence your behaviours and that is but a normal part of existing and living. It's common to change and grow and when done for the right reasons, I applaud it in every sense of the word. But for someone who held so much value in herself and worth, I was surprised to look in the mirror and see that I'd lost parts of me. I'd subdued and pushed down aspects of myself for another because I thought that's what I needed to do, that's what would make me more valuable. 

I want to put it on the record that I was never asked to do this. Nor do I really think that anyone ever wanted me to do this. In all honesty, perhaps things would've worked out differently if I'd just stopped caring about being a perfect me and just spoke. Just bit the bullet that was truth and dealt with whatever that meant in return. Alas I did not, and here we are. 

Regrets aren't something I hold onto too tightly. Holding the belief that 'everything happens for a reason' can do that to a person. So where does that put me now? 

I don't know what I want, what I want to do, or who I want to be. In fact I truly don't think anyone on this world actually has the answer to that. We're all changing, rediscovering and challenging who we are as we exist and that in itself is beautiful. I for one can't wait to meet all the versions of myself. 

When it comes to love, that chapter is unwritten for now, yet knowing me there's plenty of words to still be written. Love is not love without loss and pain. If this year has taught me anything it's that. It's the chest wrenching pain and hiccups of sorrows that make you who you are, or perhaps in my case re-evaluate who you want to be. 

To those in the pits of it now, just take a breath. Feel everything, no matter how scary and painful it is. It's an incredibly hard journey and if I'm being honest, an isolating one that I have no doubt I'll face one day again. But it's one that only yourself can do. And know that one day you'll be able to breathe properly again, I promise.  

If you're stuck in limbo right now, just like little old me, take a bit of serenity in the fact that you aren't alone. It's okay to not know what's right anymore, or more so, not know what's wrong. And more than that, it's okay to not have your shit together. For now, let's just wallow in the limbo for all that it is, take time to process and question, and perhaps one day, things will start to feel a bit more in our control. 

O