fairy light stars

Stars strung together like fairy lights. Here only she existed, wrapped up in the cocoon of long sleeves, blankets, and a burning fire. 

Here there was nothing and everything... there was just her. 

There was a peacefulness to the solitude and routine, a sense of known after months of unknown. But perhaps there lied the issue in itself. She had gotten so used to living in the dark, in the ambiguous, that now stability felt uneasy. Her legs felt restless not moving, her head too quiet with not enough thoughts. She missed the rush of new friends, the way her cheeks would hurt from smiling, and more than anything she missed the arms of those that were on the other side of the world.

Here the homesickness felt louder, like a crashing wave that was at bay during the morning but came crashing down as the sun set. As the light left for the day, her eyes drifted out the tear-stained windows. It felt homely, but not like home. She wondered whether anywhere would ever feel like home again. 

Her heart was in pieces, and not in a broken way, more so scattered. Pieces of her lived in others, they lived within her people... calling her now oceans away. She just wished for a few days, a few days to sit with them, to say hello to those pieces of her heart for just a few moments. 

But the fear kept her here. Once she was so scared to leave, but now she felt so scared to return. The weight of figuring out a future lay ahead and existing here meant ignorance, it meant that this life of non-commitment and frivolity could be sustainable. The place where her clothes now sat idly in a wardrobe, her dogs pattered up and down stairs, and her mum hummed in the kitchen, there lay pieces of her heart, but there also lay expectations of the past, an expectation to have a plan, to have some of it figured out. She wasn't ready for that yet. Soon maybe, but not just yet. 

So fear outweighed heartache. She learnt how to ignore the homesickness, to drown it out with headphones and a never-ending to-do list. The show must go on. And after all, how lucky she was to be right here, in this very moment.