solo learnings

She'd always thought being alone was something she was good at – that like a subject in school she would excel, getting that A-grade while her peers struggled to grasp the basics. And in many ways she did excel. 

She took herself out to the park, could spend afternoons in silence, and often craved the simplicity that silence offered. Her friends said so - "you're just so great at being independent". 

But, lately she's being wondering, does independence come at a cost? And maybe, the reason she's so good at being alone is because she's even more scared of being together, of being with someone that is. 

Sometimes when you get so good at being alone, it can be hard to justify letting that go. But you know you should, and the reality is that just like everyone else, you really do want company. You want to be loved. 

She thinks a lot these days about that, about how maybe the people who are so good at being alone are really the ones who desperately don't want to be, but are stuck behind the hurdle of fear. The ones who have been hurt and have made themselves so indestructible that no blow can hit them again, nobody can even get close. 

And the thing is, even when you're "good" at being alone, loneliness can still prevail. Sometimes even the serenity in the silence can feel too wide, nauseating. 

I think that's something that they often forget. That even though she is so capable, so independent, happy to wander the shore solo and loves a moment of solitude, she is still often lonely. She may be tough, but rejection still hurts. She may be a good listener, but she still wants to talk. She still wants you to ask questions, to care. 

Her heart and mind has gone through a lot over the past few years. Not necessarily as much as others, but when it comes to matters these personal, can you really be objective? 

Aches, breaks, repeated mistakes. She doesn't know whether to run back into the solitude, to return to the loneliness that she knows so well, that feels like home, or to keep trying for that something else, for the something that makes her heart skip a jump.