living in the longing

It's easy to live in the longing... I think most people in their twenties do. We long for more, we long for less. More time, more love, more attention. Less work, less worries, less drama. 

Brought up in a new world which champions gratitude and self-awareness, it's no surprise the idea of longing has taken this deformed shape in which it can only be felt and experienced if apart of you is unhappy. It goes hand in hand with being alone – we need to work on ourselves, always be improving, love yourself before someone else etc. etc. 

These ideas and constructs I'm beginning to realise, the ones in which I've structured and embodied some of my core foundations around, are just that... constructs. Ideas we've been told are correct and to be adhered to when in reality they almost leave us more constricted and limited. 

Who said longing had to be lonesome? Who said you couldn't long for more while still being content and appreciative for what you currently have? Who said you can't exercise a level of love and awareness of yourself, be content in your own company, but still crave companionship?

I think like most things in the world, things are on a spectrum, they're completely relative and the fact is that there can never be a definitive answer for anything. Is not everything circumstantial? Are there not always if, buts, and maybes? 

When it comes to matters of the heart, I'm beginning to learn in many ways that the way I exercise longing can be harmful, but it doesn't mean the idea of longing itself is wrong. It's about learning the healthy way to practice, about making sure you're coming from the right place and you've done the groundwork to make sure you actually know what you're looking for. Is what you're longing for actually a relationship, or are you instead after connection? Intellectual stimulation? And why is it that we always assume we can't access these things outside of a romantic experience? 

It's all a big learning curve, filled with reading, learning, making mistakes, and trying again. And I think the most reassuring thing is that there is no end goal, there's no right or wrong way. Both for those who have found love and for those who are still looking, there's simply the journey, both in the quest for love, the quest to keep it, and the story of how it's probably always been there (you just never noticed it). It's about relishing in the now, accepting what is to be, relinquishing your control, and putting faith in something bigger than you (whatever forces you believe in). It's about putting in the work and how that work will probably never be over (but isn't that joyous, that it's a work of art that's always developing and growing?). 

For some of you (and part of me is included), these rambles and words don't really make sense, and I'll admit they are pretty muddled thoughts spat out in a flurry onto a keyboard. Or perhaps to some of you it makes a bit too much sense to know what to do with. I guess that's just the way, hey? Jumbled mess or not, that's where we're at, you and me, the world and us. 

- O