lucky in love

whenever I thought about love I always saw it as this consuming being that enveloped me in a way that was both comforting and controlling. I thought I knew what it would feel like, how I would respond, and who I would be. 

the thing about love, I've realised, is it's unpredictable. from the love you feel for friends to your first romance, every single individual and relationship experiences love different. it's both an amazing concept, yet dually intimidating and hard to grasp. 

we all have our own standards, our own values and concepts. we all perceive life differently, uniquely. so why did I think love would be any different? 

conditioned in a world to fall into the realities we see depicted on screens - of grand gestures, definitive love, and head over heels romances. the realities that aren't depicted are perhaps the ones we all live, but don't want to speak about. why would we want to relive, or see the experiences that can be the most confusing of all? 

growing up I didn't see scenes depicting a girl who struggled to grasp with whether she was experiencing love or lust, someone whose relationship consisted more of absorbing each other's company rather than weekly dates or extravagance, relationships which didn't require texting, relationships which included more than two people, polygamy, open rules, or even anything other than heteronormativity. I was brought up and into this world starting at screens that only depicted one kind of love- one that seemed written in the stars, simple, and always had a happy ending. 

I refuse to believe I was naive walking into my first love. I think compared to most I can sometimes view life too practically, looking at it from an outside perspective rather than living it myself. a downfall in some cases, a skill for others. Yet, there's still so many parts and aspects I'm learning about, that I had never even considered before now. 

I never realised before entering my twenties how isolating or should I say intimate being in a relationship is. When it comes to monogamy, it really is just two people. Where I had once spent majority of my life sharing every single detail with those around me, and experiencing everything (or explaining every second of my day to my friends), entering a relationship had somehow made it shift. Everyone is different, so perhaps this is just the people around me. While our big moments and relationships are spoken about, the mundane and little moments seem trivial to explain to people who haven't experienced or existed. 

it's a constant battle of wanting to protect those intimate and special moments you shared, but also being overwhelmed with happiness that you want to tell everyone about it. it's feeling as if you've never been happier, but don't want to feel as if you are bragging to people about it. 

I'm extremely happy with where I am in my life right now- both in my personal and work life. I love my friends, the people I am surrounded by, my family, and everything in between. I always have. And while I have my days and my inner battles, it is those moments that keep me going. 

so while love may be confusing, and not at all what I expected, and while it may scare me to my core some days, the thoughts of being vulnerable, it's also the reason we keep going. it keeps us sane, happy, and above all, alive. 

- OG