the normality of being an adult

it's been a while. the lack of posting into the digital abyss could perhaps be summarised in a poetic synonym but to be quite frank, it's nearing midnight and I'm usually asleep by now. 

there's something freeing about this digital space. a blog lost in the internet that nobody would know or read about anymore. it's as if it's all mine, yet still with the risk that anyone could find it. as if i am writing into my own public journal, yet not actually telling the public about it (which is quite literally what i'm doing). 

sometimes when I'm indulging in a high dose of self-esteem, pretending the world is but my oyster and I must be in everyone's thoughts, i wonder if anyone has ever come across my little corner of the internet. does anyone ever check in? has anyone, over the past two years. read these words that teenage me so delicately poured her heart into, yet was too afraid to actually share with the world? 

in layman terms, i am now an adult. weird to say? here we are olivia, we've come the full circle. when i thought of adulthood, i never really had an age to it. to be honest, i didn't really think i'd even classify myself as one at twenty. surely that was more a mid-twenties sort of description. 

when i hit 18, i felt further from being an adult than i'd perhaps ever felt in my life. there was no real responsibilities and perhaps the freedom of leaving school, working casually and spending my weekends intoxicated will forever be the way i describe my 'teenage years'. and by years, we're basically talking 1 and a 1/2 max. thanks covid. 

yet here we are world. twenty years old, full time job, single, typing on her laptop at 11:28pm. wow she's entered the big leagues. I just spent the last twenty minutes reading through my past writings, those i didn't post and those i did. for those who may have just stalked the page (or perhaps it's still just me), you may see those in the spirit of the moment i published unedited, unfinished. 

in a way, i see those unfinished posts as probably the biggest synonym to my teenage years as they could come. you never really know it's going to end. just like when i started those blog posts, I always had the intentions of finishing, eventually. in fact, in most cases i probably just didn't know when. and then before you know it two years have gone by and you look back and realise shit, it's over. it's actually over. 

me three years from now is probably going to want to smack me over the head. ah you think this is adult hood, just you wait. perhaps she's right. I mean let's be honest, she always is. but this is my truth now, so let's just deal with that for the moment. 

being an adult is different from what i expected. in a world where i thought i'd feel different and more in control, I kind of just feel the same. what really got me about being an adult is just how boring it can be. no wonder you all go through mid-life breakdowns, or are always talking about the 'good times'. hell even i find myself doing that now. 

it can all be so mundane, and it's so easy to let it. it's easy to fall into a routine and not do anything about it, especially when it comes to full time work. in a world where before we would push each other to constantly evolve, experience and dive head first, we're now threatened with responsibilities and the daily grind on monday. it's hard to live a life in full when you're confined to less than 48 hours. 

yet in many ways i also didn't expect the mundane to be so comforting. while i've always known i'm not something who craved the big life- moving overseas, conquering the boardroom, i guess i didn't realise how content i'd be to just live in this moment. for the first time in my life i'm not waiting, waiting for something else, wishing etc. i'm literally just living my life day by day. and sure when you think about it sometimes it can be depressing, but there's something about it that's stronger, that's almost reassuring. i enjoy my life. i enjoy what i do and while there are days when it's stressful and i wish i could go back to that 18 year old me for a week and just do nothing, i also remember when i wanted nothing more than to be where i am now. i mean hell some days i could almost cry just thinking about it. 

i'm privileged. i'm lucky, but i also think i did work hard to get where i am. sure circumstances helped me, but when push comes to shove, you've gotta give yourself some credit. it's adulting for goodness sake. 

whether it's the mundane which distracts me and keeps me at peace, or perhaps again just this sense of growing up, i also didn't expect to become so at peace with myself, and particularly my own company. a year ago i was quite literally spending every hour of the day thinking about a boy, and now my thoughts are completely my own. how liberating. 

self growth is always a weird concept to me. it's always something that seems to creep up, occur in the background and work hard. it's only when i look around do i realise that the whole room has changed. other times, you think you're doing fine, you have this amazing concept of self and assurance until one day you're crying on your way home from a party. speaking objectively of course... 

i guess there's no real way to end this spiel. the idea that becoming an adult is pretty normal and mundane is probably the biggest let down my child self would expect to experience, but also the best surprise. right now I'm okay with normal, in fact deep down, I think I need it. So while I'm sure it'll get boring and upsetting as the years tick over, for now I'm humbled and content in the simplicity of it all- of how totally uncomplicated and boring my life really is. 

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the clock continues to haunt me, as if i have some deadline or school in the morning still. ah to be awake past midnight and not intoxicated... doesn't sit right. so with that thought i bid you goodnight. oh how formal. to what is to come and to what has happened. i wouldn't change a thing. 

O