unsent and unspoken

it had been a while, the sound of the keyboard a dusty memory from a girl she didn't know if she knew anymore. reflections had always been a tricky thing, trying to gain a sense of recognition from the face that stared back, always close but never enough, as if a clear plastic film hid her from full sight. 

a certain peace came with the noise of the keyboard, a sense of calm as with each letter the words seemed easier to say. for so long there was a lack of direction, purpose, or even motivation to write again- what was there left to say? 

but it seems there never needed to be a certain topic or purpose, not even an overall message. that was never the point. no it was about feeling, understanding and identifying emotions, about putting it all out into the universe with the small feeling that someone would read it- that someone could validate the way she was feeling. it wasn't about comments and indeed words of it in person felt uncomfortable and unnatural. the digital world existed in her head, it felt strange when it entered reality. 

one day perhaps these words will come to haunt her, or perhaps they will just be a sombre memory of past feelings and emotions, a mere outline of that girl in the mirror. 

for now she collected what was never said, all the words she had pushed down, the feelings that were never felt, or never shared. she collected those moments and statements and put them together. perhaps the people who they were intended for would read them, perhaps not. it didn't matter either way, it was never about that...

' At the end of the day, when push comes to shove, all the layers are peeled back, excuses thrown out the window and technicalities ignored... you really were just a horrible friend ' 

' And for a moment I just wanted to say it - to ask you. But I didn't want to ask, I wanted you to know I wanted you to be something you weren't and the reality hit me almost as quick as I threw it away, turning my head as if that meant it didn't exist. ' 

' I sat on my bathroom floor and cried. Do you know that? That night you slept so soundly, without a worry or even thought of me, I sat there, broken on my floor and cried. Don't feel pity for me, don't even dare. I don't want an apology and I sure as hell don't want to talk about it. I just want you to know, I want you to know that I sat on my bathroom floor and cried. Cried over you. Pathetic. ' 

'Do you ever think that you could stay here, lying in your bed for days on end, and nobody would even notice? Not think to ask, to check or see why your body continues to sink deeper into the once-pristine white sheets. '

'Stop letting yourself stop you from doing what you want. Live the life you want to live. Go to the beach, play the guitar. Learn how to surf or skate, fall madly and recklessly in love. Have food fights, late nights consumed with uncontrollable laughter and eat too much junk food. Form good habits, fall in love with yourself. Wake up every day and be excited to admire yourself in the mirror. Have naps during the day, listen to the music that makes you happy. Laugh so loudly that you make people turn, smile so widely that other people smile and be kind enough to inspire kindness in the darkest of days. Just stop letting the world stop you and do it'

'I put you on a pedestal. And how mighty of a fall it was.'

'I hope you realised that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.' 

'It was the lack of questions. The lack of care. The way you could so willingly accept no conversation. The way you had no questions. Did you ever wonder, do you still? Guess I never meant that much anyway. '

'Blood isn't always thicker than water. Because in a fictional sense, blood can be built, built on trust, support and consistency.'

"I just wanted a fight, but you were happy to walk away' 

'One day when I write that book, and half of it is those overly-emotional teenage scribbles about you, I'll laugh. Because you always did want to read my writing.'

And here I am, saying I don't care if they read this, but perhaps, perhaps it's human nature. Perhaps deep down while these words shall never leave my mouth, while I may deny all feelings and motive, I hope they do. 

- O