advice from a rookie: toxic relationships

"sadly, too many of us stay together far longer than we should because it is easier to say, i love you than it is to say, i don't" - beau taplin, love you anymore

Today I wanted to talk about relationships, for it seems like at my age, they seem to be all the rage. I mean, what else must I live for other than a boy who may knock me off my feet, capture my heart and carry me into the sunset to live happily ever after?

Before we get into this, I just want to disclaim that I have no experience, knowledge or any sense of expertise when it comes to the topic of relationships, the other gender, love etc. Whilst it may be a subject I do like to write about, in reality, I have a status even lower than that of a rookie, perhaps a neophyte, amateur or, a novice. Needless to say, many may see my self-titled 'advice' as unreliable, or completely in-factual, which is probably 100% true. However, I always found something interesting and perhaps slightly worthwhile about the opinions and thoughts of outsiders and those who really have no clue. 

I was watching a video the other day and someone said that if they could have one superpower it would be to talk someone out of a toxic relationship. 

It's an interesting thought and made me start to think about what constitutes a toxic relationship. Putting aside the obvious thoughts of abuse (both mentally and physically), I feel like personally, a toxic relationship can also entail neglect, or overall resulting in one, or two persons feeling consistently worse. 

In my eyes, a relationship shouldn't be something that constantly leads to someone feeling anxious, depressed, stressed, or anything similar. The ups and downs are undeniable, and obviously there can be periods or times that are difficult, but relationships ultimately shouldn't be a part of your life that predominately makes it harder. 

I also don't think it's fair for someone to be the main, or only player in a relationship, as this can in many ways be considered toxic too. By this, I mean a relationship which is one-sided, in which one person is predominantly the only one making an effort, making sacrifices or being supportive. Like all cases, there are obviously exceptions and moments which may go against what I am arguing but in a neutral and relatively normal situation, a relationship in which only one person is participating in, is not healthy or beneficial. 

Another aspect of this statement I heard which intrigued me was the suggestion that it's almost impossible to talk someone out of a toxic relationship, or perhaps, convince them to leave the relationship entirely. 

It's common to assume that most people in a toxic relationship are either unaware of how toxic their relationship is, or feel too trapped or fearful to leave it. However, have you ever considered that some people just don't want to leave the relationship? 

It's a puzzling thought but in reality, it does happen. When I was first confronted with this possibility, it's needless to say I was taken aback, utterly confused and unable to wrap my head around why someone would choose to have their life be more difficult, or choose to life a life that is less.

After a while, I considered perhaps this was a case my relationship-less status prohibited me from understanding. Indeed, being in love is something I haven't ever really experienced, but I can only assume it's something that you have no control over. And I can only assume that's a scary feeling, allowing someone else to have so much power over you. Thus, in some situations I guess I can understand why people struggle with letting go and leaving their other, and that's why they choose to stay. Because in plain terms, they still love the person they are with, and regardless of the struggles and challenges their relationship brings, they don't want to loose them.

However, is it still love if it's toxic? I guess thats the question I've been struggling to find an answer to.

I look around and I keep seeing people in my life accept their toxic relationship as acceptable and use love as an excuse. And it infuriates me because I can see so much strength and beauty in these people, who are limited by the toxicity of their relationship. Their eyes glaze over the warning signs and their brain continues to make excuses to hide the fact that the presence of the person they love is affecting them for the worse. 

A toxic relationship is something nobody should be in, or experience, however it's something that is in our world, and can sometimes creep up on us, without us having a choice or being aware. Whilst I can partially understand why some people can fall into the traps of staying in a toxic relationship, seeing love as a notion which can overpower anything, after a certain amount of time, a lifestyle which is detrimental to another is not something that should be acceptable.

It's hard to help the people around you when their mindset is infected with this idea that love can overpower a toxic relationship. I can only partially understand, and assume their point of view, however, at the end of the day, I think deep down we all know how we deserve to be treated, and all have a sense of what is right and wrong. Whilst it may be difficult at first to cut the cord, it's the right decision in the long run. 

OG