an annual reminisce

It seems to be becoming a tradition for me to sum up the year in a series of words, paragraphs dedicated to a year that has already long left. 

This year, the countdown to midnight, followed with an array of cheers and fireworks, chimed not only the beginning of a new year, but a new decade. A whole sparkling new decade. 

I’ve written previously about the false nature of ‘new year new me’, of how relying on the change of date to produce change is a façade and ploy we all fall into, one we all throw ourselves wholeheartedly towards. 

Well the thing is, I get it. It’s nice to believe in a clean slate, that with one day, we can all have an endless amount of possibilities. It’s nice to allow yourself to fall captive into the notion of ‘new year, new me’ because who doesn’t want a chance at transformation? 

It’s almost reassuring to believe that with the change of a clock we have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves, that it’s a chance to reflect, set new goals and reset. 

For those of you, like me, born in the glorious 2000s, the beginning of a new decade aligns with a new decade of age- your 20s. A shudder of fear, tingle of excitement or sigh of exasperation; respond how you may to the impending future, but it’s coming. They say this could perhaps be one of the busiest and life-altering decades of your life. And how scary is that? To think that in this decade the prospects of career, marriage and children fall in front of me. I’m not saying they will, or have to, but it’s pretty much undeniable that the chances are much higher. 

The future is unknown, a scary prospect and notion I will perhaps never be able to come to terms with… Yet the past, now that is a bit easier. 

Although all of my writing is hugely personal, I always contemplate entries like this. Is anyone truly fascinated by the ins and outs of my life? Probably not. But in all honesty, I write these moments down, for they are ones in the grand scheme of life, easily forgotten. Plus, I don’t write for others. 

2019 brought with it an enormous amount of invisible change, change perhaps not immediately recognisable from the exterior. 

The reflection I stare at now, is almost identical to that of the girl a year ago, but she couldn’t be further from the same. Her eyes have seen, her mind opened and heart felt.  

Each person is different, and each year is different for each person. What I can’t stress enough is that what others have achieved and conquered is not an aspect to compare your own success to. In all aspects, my year was far from perfect, full of mental breakdowns, confusion and at times, a whole lot of nothing. Yet, for me it was also everything I needed. 

From career changes, to social experiences, it was a whirlwind of self-discovery. It sounds weird, and you never realise it in the moment, but I found new aspects of myself, I found new parts of the world. 

I couldn’t have done it, or perhaps survived at all, without the people in my life who truly make it spin. My best friends, for that’s truly what they are, who I could not imagine life without. Our adventures, laughs and the sort of loyalty that people would die for, are truly sometimes the only thing that gets me through. 

My family, who I perhaps don’t spend enough time with anymore, but I have never appreciated more. To have that sort of support and love that is indestructible is something I hope I never take for granted. 

It was a year which introduced me to a world outside your comfort zone, new emotions and a range of possibilities. A year with life experiences one will perhaps never forget, stories to remember and moments captured.

I still have a lot of things I want to achieve, a lot to work on and sort out. But, looking at who I was a year ago, I can’t help but feel a humble sense of pride at who I am now. 

Perhaps each year, there will be more change, perhaps that is what I am destined to as I enter the world of an adult- constant reinvention and adaption. But, I almost look forward to it, to those growing pains and pang that comes with each new year.

- O

written up in the clouds