the stars and the darkness

The sun had set, waving goodbye to the sky as it drifted away for another night. She was gone, and so too was the light that she brought.

Whilst the moon and stars sat high, beaming a grand sight, the darkness was all consuming, all overpowering. Night brought silence, and silence brought thoughts. 

She had never feared the darkness before. It used to be so easy to switch on a nearby light, to consume herself with other tasks, or even just fall asleep. But these days, it wasn't so easy. She was more aware of what lay outside those doors, the darkness, the danger, the silence. 

The worse thing was the loneliness. The empty feeling, lack of emotion and pure boredom that lay sprawled out on the bed. The deep breaths as an attempt to coax sleep, and the pointless scrolling. 

No amount of music, videos or lists could ease the feeling that seemed to consume her each night. A feeling a mix of so many emotions it quite possibly didn't have a name, not yet at least. 

There were too many thoughts, too many ideas, too many regrets, dreams and wishes. Too many events to consider, too many things to question. Over and over, again and again, as if thinking about something could make it happen, could change the past or influence the future. 

"life isn't a fairytale," she thought. 

That instinctive grab for her phone, even though there was nothing there to see. Notifications: none. A sight that was not unexpected, yet all the same disheartening. 

The loneliness stretched for miles. Perhaps in the day it disappeared, conquered away. Yet as the darkness returned, so did the loneliness, reappearing as if they were but apart of who she was, something she could never rid. 

"what is wrong with me?" a thought she pushed down as it arose. Her doubts were pointless, logic and rationality could disprove them in seconds, yet she still faced battles with them everyday. 

As her body calmed down she wondered if this was it, if the silence had won, exhausting her into a sleep she so desperately desired. Sleep was incontrollable, a blissful nothingness to which required no work. 

"goodnight," she whispered. "all my love"

- O