an exposed soul

so she sat, hanging upside down off the end of her bed, hoping that she could just forget it all, go back to the start of the year when everything seemed a little bit easier. 

whilst the pulling of upcoming due dates tug at the back of her mind, she couldn't help but ignore it all. sitting there, listening and thinking about everything else there was to think about.

I've been really wanting to write this week. I guess you could say a lot has been going on. Yet, regardless of my desire or somewhat need to unload thoughts onto a keyboard, I just sit there, staring blankly at my laptop, unable to string together a coherent thought, sentences almost too difficult to compute.

Writing or even wording feelings has always been something that has come naturally to me. Call it a blessing, call it being uncomfortably open, the thought of being able to be honest with yourself and even others often seems easier than lying. So I guess you could say my lack of words was a bit of shock to the system. Maybe I had finally run out of stuff to say? The act of speaking one's mind and feelings finally exhausting me into silence.

So here I sit, supposed to be working on assignments and essays, yet still trying to produce something worth publishing. Hence, with this need to write and publish gnawing at the back of my head, I present to you a short excerpt of writing, put together with tired eyes and a content heart. Whilst perhaps too short and unfinished to be able to stand by itself, still words nevertheless.


a single human
Something is holding me back from publishing this piece, perhaps the thought that I cannot control who will read my words, perhaps the idea that my inner, and perhaps most deepest thoughts will now be out in the open (as if they aren't already). But I guess if you are reading this I overcame that fear, if only for a single moment of courage.

I had what some may call an epiphany the other afternoon. No single lightbulb moment, perhaps just a wistful hour of me slowly piecing together my feelings, unearthing a better idea of what I wanted.

I always looked down on myself for not being in a relationship. Kind of held a grudge and had this unnerving 'secret' desire for love. And by 'secret' I mean, whilst everyone wants love in some way, I feel like my desire consumed me- the idea of love, the want for love. I wrote about it, I dreamt about it, I almost actioned by life with the hopes of it.

Looking back, it's kind of ridiculous. I thought for so long I was preaching this idea of being grateful for what you have, for accepting yourself and learning about self-love, when in reality, the darkest parts of me felt that I could not be accepted without another.

And how ridiculous is that? To wish my life away. To wish away who I am as a single human, to give up the opportunity to really work on myself and get to know me better, know who I am when I am alone.

And the thing is, I've come to realise that at this point in my life, I don't want to focus on another human being. It's almost ironic to think that you can want something for so long, yet never actually assess how it would fit into your life, whether it is the right time for you.

And with that thought comes light, more freedom in movements and decisions, knowing that I do not need a someone in my life. It is not something that I must feel pressure to have, or push myself to find. In fact, I think I would rather that it finds me, perhaps in an unexpected twist of events.

I'm not saying I'm ruling out relationships in their entirety. In fact, I'm still very much a soft messed up love-lover at heart, and will probably continue to think and write about love until death succumbs me. I think I've just decided to stop obsessing and always looking. To start instead just living what is my one single life for myself. To stop settling and overthinking, and to put faith in my instincts. To put trust in the idea that when it's right it will happen, to perhaps hand over the reigns to fate itself.

Life is too busy to have to always be on the lookout for love, to be obsessing and hoping. I have things to do and goals to achieve.

So, to the person who believes their lack of a relationship is the be all and end all, to the girl who obsessively writes and dreams of true love and to the reader who has somehow made it this far into my thoughts, and perhaps feels some (or even a few) of the same chaotic feelings, you are not alone and trust me, your life is far more than another person.

- O