self growth and all that jazz

'one day I looked at her and I smiled, in awe of her strength and beauty".

In a world of 7.53 billion individuals, sometimes the body we inhabit can feel the furtherest apart, the one which is the hardest to reach or understand.

Self growth, when you break it down becomes a muddle of complex mazes and puzzles. However, if you can assert anything, it's that the growth of one's self often concerns the definition of your identity.

Identity is defined in the dictionary as "the fact of being who or what a person is". Identity can be defined or summed up in less than 10 words- if only our own identities were that simple.

Sometimes the face I see in the mirror feels like a stranger. A common face that I know only on the surface. Her eyes are ones I recognise. Yet never quite understand.

Questions of the future scare me because how am I able to look towards the future when I can't even define my present. Unable to even define the simplicity of me, how can I possibly tackle the complexities of what is ahead?

I've come to the easy conclusion that your identity is never definite, almost undefinable. Whilst you have qualities and personality traits, who you are is always changing, adapting to situations and the environment and events around you.

Hence, to me questions of the self are never that simple, and when it comes to self growth and defining who you are, is a definition even in reach?

Self growth is a journey, a long-winded, often painful trek. It's something you can't dictate or control, deciding one day that you will suddenly grow mentally and then achieving it. In fact, in many cases I feel like people grow unconsciously, often realising the steps they've taken only when they look back.

Perhaps it comes naturally with this age or stage in life, but I feel like my year so far has been defined  and consumed by this idea self growth.

And it's extremely difficult because I feel like this part of life, or the struggles that come with this age are ones that are often neglected or not discussed.

'The limbo' as I call it in my head, is this awkward phase of life where you aren't a child anymore, no longer confined to daily routines of school or even parental control, yet you aren't really an adult, as you are still somewhat dependent on those around you, unable to really survive independently.

Obviously every case is different but majority of people my age, (disagree with me if I'm wrong), are lost. We walk absentmindedly for years, job-hunting, soul searching and grasping for any chance of obtaining a life which is socially acceptable. We have no real idea of what we should be doing, how we should be feeling or coping with everything around us.

And the deterioration of the world doesn't help. Being confronted with prospects that we may not have a future home due to climate change, consumed with the need to fight for human and civil rights which should be a necessity, and overall just having to prepare to take on the weight of a problem-ridden world.

At the bare minimum it's overwhelming.

Yet, everyone goes through it? So can we really complain? Are we allowed to express how we feel, or should we just keeping walking, crossing our fingers that our path will find us?


I've gone off on a bit of a tangent and perhaps taken this one in a direction it wasn't supposed to head.

Nevertheless, that's kind of like the whole journey of self, identity and all that jazz. There's no manual or guide, no textbook or structure.

I think, if I've learnt anything from the past 6 months, you just have to be self-aware. You have to make somewhat conscious efforts or choices to prioritise yourself when needed, especially in regards to your emotional and mental health. You have to listen to how your body reacts, feels or even thinks in order to become more aware of what you want or desire out of life.

A lot of people I've noticed are so out of touch with their own emotions, unable to describe or put into words how they feel about a situation. This is hindering in itself, because if you are unable to know how you feel or stand on an issue, how can you continue, or make any action?

Listen to yourself and rid your life of toxicity, unnecessary baggage and wasteful efforts.

I'm still nowhere closer to finding an answer to the questions of self, instead now I'm just riddled with more questions. Yet I know a bit more about that person in the mirror, the eyes that look back at me.

I can only take each day at a time, that's all any of us can do.

- O