a fear of perception

Do you ever have irrational fears? Not the kind that are laughable or can be overcome, but the ones that can completely shift the way you live. 

I’ve always been intrigued about perception, specifically how others view me. Indeed, I always question if people actually like me, if they enjoy my company, or they see me as a friend. 

I’m well aware that it’s a corruptive habit, considering how everyone else thinks, but apart of me can’t stop, for perception  truly does shapes everything. 

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I didn't speak first, didn't initiate conversations or relationships. I wonder if any of the people around me would still be there. I often think about whether the people in my life actually see any value in me as a person, or more importantly, how do they label me? Am I their friend, or their colleague; their lesser or their higher? Am I there to simply fill a space, or am I wanted? 

They are quite frankly questions that are never answered but cannot be put to rest.

The inability to know other's perception makes me question everything. I doubt myself and my relationships, often wondering what happens when I am not around. Do people think or talk about me, and more importantly, is it good or bad? 

It's strange because I so willingly discuss and gossip about the lives of those around me, as if it is just a part of my routine, yet the thought of myself being the subject of discussion for others makes my skin tingle. I can't help but allow myself to be defined by other people, as if by them seeing me as a good person makes me one. 

I struggle with accepting that I can never please everyone, feeling lesser or worse when I get the feeling someone doesn't like me. And the issue is I never know whether I am simply creating a situation that is not there, or seeing the truth. Are my eyes deceiving me, pulling me under precedence that I am hated by others, or have I simply been confronted with the reality that not everyone gets along.

And what makes it worse is that I often convince myself I don't care. I tell myself that it doesn't matter and that this person is a tiny fleck in the human population. And all those things are true, but for some reason I don't believe them. There is so much of me that wants to be 100% likeable at all times. I want to please, I want to fit in and I want to be talked or seen as a happy, friendly and caring being. 

It's only normal to want to be liked, but is there a point where it goes to far? 

When I don't see my friends in a while I start to question whether our relationship is still labeled as friends. It may have only been a few weeks, but the absent texts or communication immediately makes me doubt everything. My doubts are still there even when we are together though, always making me second-guess what I've said or done, as if a single wrong move could immediately change their perception of me. 

A side comment, change in behaviour, statement or something so inexplicably simple can leave me distraught in my own cloud, circling the prospect that certain friendships are one-sided, fake or unwanted. 

/ /

Perception is a bundle of intrigue and damage. It can quickly go from bad to worse, and it's easy to let it control your life. I'm all to familiar with its destruction and the consequences of its grasp. For now, I have found no golden solution, a way to lessen it's involvement and power in my life. Perhaps I'll always live with the burden of other's perception, a fear that can truly not be conquered, or maybe I'll grow out of it, like a flower letting go of its old petals. I guess only time will tell...

OG