i don't care

I like so many others wish for the times when it was all simple. When you were able to wake up without the incessant doubts immediately rising. When you could look in a mirror without mentally noting flaws and changes that needed to be made. I miss the lifestyle of wholeheartedly not caring and it makes me wonder, when did it all change? 

In reality, we weren’t all born this way, actions driven predominantly by the thoughts of others. Unfortunately, these days the odds are pretty much stacked against us and we are almost force-fed spoonfuls of self doubt. However, whilst I recognise the difficulties, especially with the hype of social media, this doesn’t mean we should accept a life dictated by others. 

I used to hate myself for caring. I saw it as almost an obsessive disorder, one I had no control over. 

Whilst, most of the time I would view myself as happy, on the occasions in which I had to almost share myself with others, self confidence unravelled, as if the people around me were pulling the strings themselves. 

Coming out of high school, into what many call the ‘real world’, I think I began to realise how much I cared. I began going to places where I looked around me and saw so many different people.

And the thing was nobody else around me questioned it; they didn’t walk around categorising and criticising, rather accepted the swarm of different personalities as it was. 

It was all so different to high school, but not in any of the ways I would’ve thought. 

I was surrounded by so much acceptance and freedom of individuality that I was able to realise how much my self-doubt was holding me back. I mean, it's hard to believe, but people honestly don't care as much as you think. And in reality, who cares if they do? 

When you really put it all into perspective, the notion of allowing someone else to choose how you effectively live your life is almost self-destructive. By weighting your choices with the effect of other's possible opinions, you are choosing a path that in reality, offers you no happiness at all, for you can never feel fully fulfilled. 

On a train ride to university the other day, I wrote the following in my notes: 

I love how much I don’t care recently. I don’t know what has changed but believe me, something has. I wear what I feel, and I honestly just feel so blissfully content and humble in the notion that I am being who I want to be.

I’ve found myself saying “I don’t care” more often. And not in a passive aggressive, or denial way, in an accepting and carefree way in which others views are beginning to loose their effect on me. 

And in reality, that's what's happened. I didn't wake up and suddenly feel different one day. There wasn't a moment in which I told myself that from now on, I won't care what other's say. It was all a process in which I grew to see every day as an opportunity, and find more of myself. And as I grew in myself, I guess my regard for other people's opinions lessened because in reality, I began to see them as less important. 

It all is a process and I am far from declaring my 100% carefree attitude. However, this small taste of self-assertion and almost confidence is one which has already made me so much more happier and positive, especially for the future. 

OG