him

It’s crazy how much you can want something you’ve never had. How you can fathom this idea in your mind of a distorted utopia which seems in reach. It’s sort of humorous how I spend my waking moments thinking of a person I’ve never met, a person whose face I do not know and name a mystery. But he is everywhere- swirling in my thoughts as if he were sitting right next to me. 

To escape him is something I do not wish, yet his grasp on the way I live is almost suffocating. My eyes scrutinise every face looking for his glance, my imagination creates scenarios in which we meet and my head is consumed with this non-existent notion of ‘us’. 

What if I’ve already met him? I often question. What if our paths have crossed yet I did not act out that moment the stars had destined. 

Or a more daunting perspective, what if I never meet him? What if somehow I stumble off this path of my imagination, into a forest of darkness and fog, abandoning any possibility of this happily ever after I have foretold.  

It is a sad reality but I feel as if I am not truly living without him. I am but hovering over the stepping stones of life, my feet inches from the ground. My words feel manufactured, my thoughts unclear and my heart untouched. 

I dream of my dreams, for them to become my present. I am living not my own life but rather spending it in my hopes for the future, my hopes of being with him. 

- OG