passion vs the future

I always pictured my future self organised and structured, striding my way through the world on a clear path, accomplishing obstacles as if they were a mere part of life. In some ways, you could say I've been struck down by the harsh realities of life, the difficulties soon revealing themselves to me as I reached a certain age. No doubt, we all wish to forever inhabit the world of our dreams.

I can recall the first time I was asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?", my mind immediately jumping to the conclusion of a teacher, envisioning an older version of myself working in the classroom, a strikingly similar image to that of my mother at the time. Needless to say, I accepted the first response that came to mind and as such grasped onto such answer for a very long time, determined to remain on my pristine path.

The shift wasn't anything drastic or life-changing, in fact I don't exactly remember the moment when teaching became no longer an appropriate option. In fact, I can openly admit the idea of impacting such small and open minds seems wondrous to me. However, at some point some unknown reason within pushed me to divert paths, my mind recognising such place just wasn't for me.

The introduction of careers at school became a major turning point. A mindset focused on the future terrified me immensely and finding the right path seemed to become a necessity. Throughout the year I pretty much ventured through every corner of the career industry, took every personality test and quiz I could find and read so many university websites I ended up stressing out even more and sobbing on my bedroom floor. I examined and criticised every option, spent at least 2 weeks convincing myself such path was the one for me, only to later go in a complete different direction. The beginning of my career anxiety led me to diverting the topic altogether, or alternatively simply stating "I don't know yet", as most teenagers do. Yet, it was and is still so difficult to feel undecided and lost, especially for me, even though so many state it is 'perfectly normal'. Not to mention, I used to ooze such envy for those who whole-heartedly knew what they wanted to do. Indeed, I couldn’t comprehend why I couldn't figure out such a simple task. 

The past years I've continued the cycle, with regular freak outs, followed with determination that I have found 'the one'. It was only recently I thought I knew where I was going. I've always had a passion for writing- the core reason I started Olivia Grace. As such, I figured I should take a leap, jump in head first and let my passion drive me forward.  However, although I seem to pour not only my heart, but my whole entire body into everything I produce here and outside of my blog, I still find myself 'not good enough'. It tortures my mind to see others whose paper can immediately fill with lines of tasteful and exotic words that join together seamlessly, yet they perceive writing as a task or job that must be done. How can so much talent be withheld by a person who has no admiration for what they carry?

As such, I have reached the point in questioning, does passion require talent? Can one have utter desire and obtain such pleasure at doing something which they are but not outstanding in? Those who read above lines may deem my words somewhat idiotic, shaking their heads at my lack of confidence and self belief. Yet, this world is harsh, relying on the diversity and change. In fact, the extraordinary don't seem so extra any more.

I've always carried the belief with me that a career should be fuelled by passion, your job not seen as a job at all but rather joy. Yet, with today's age is such notion still realistic? I'm scared, terrified to be lost on my own path, to sink into oblivion and have my world filled with displacement and confusion, my passion having no power when I'm already drowning.

OG

all photos sourced from tumblr